Ugggg

Depressed. Feeling fat(that always sounds so stupid, I am fat, I'm 310 pounds when did I feel skinny) I hate my band. I hate everything. Work sucks. Probably going to get my period so that is why I am eating chocolate and salt. I actually ate triscuts with nutella on them yesterday. Who the hell eats that! I've never had that in my life. Scale is going up... Everything I eat gets stuck. I feel like I am binging and purging literally. So tired of every meal hurting to some degree. I just want to not worry about food anymore. I guess i can stick to Greek yogurt. That is my favorite part of the day, the morning when I get my yogurt. It doesn't hurt, it fills me up for a few hours. I wonder if I could live off of it.

Anyway, I can't find a bright spot in my day. But I know this will pass. And if one more person brings See's candy into our office I am going to knife them. It doesn't even taste that good and I keep eating a couple of pieces a day. Just want the holidays to be over so i can get back to business.

I had someone email me the other day and ask for details on my surgery and would I do it again. It's funny, for the first few months I said with out a doubt, but as time goes on I would have to really make sure the person knew what they were getting into. Anyone that thinks this is easy can kiss my ass. This is way harder then just diet and exercise. The unknown everyday is getting old. You never know what to expect.

I wish sometimes you could turn it off. Just for a few minutes in those situations that you don't have a lot of options of what to eat. I took the kids to McDonald's yesterday to play. I sat there a looked at the menu because I had not eaten yet and it was two in the afternoon. I go there so they can play in the play area and I can sit and read with out someone taking them. So I ordered a snack wrap thing (that was the shits) and an ice coffee... Of coarse one bit and stuck. Give me a fricken break. That gets old. so that is why I am saying I wish some days you could turn it off.

Then I ponder lately about the future... Do I really have to have this devise in my body for the rest of my life. 10, 20 30 years from now... did we really think about what the rest of our lives meant when it came to the band... I can't see not having it, once the restriction is gone you can eat and the little by little the ounces come back and then before you know it its a pound. But whatever, it is what it is for now. A bridge I will cross when the time comes.

One last thing I have to vent about that really made me mad was a post I read on lapbandtalk...I won't mention names, but you would all know her if I did. She is one of the all stars on the web site. Anyway this person posted that she is getting a divorce and has now realized she just settled for the person she is with because she was fat. And now realizes he isn't attractive and isn't someone she would be with at her skinnier self. WOW, did she really post that! I understand falling out of love and maybe discovering new things about yourself, but to use the words she did and to put down the person she married is such a way just sickened me. I wish her the best, but karma is a bitch!

Oh and again one last thing... is the lap band easier when you only have to deal with yourself. When you don't have to take care of a bunch of people. I hate having to worry about what to cook everyone when I would be happy with a slice of turkey and a cucumber. But I have to be responsible for two other banded people in the house and two little kids... Again another excuse but it still seems like it would be easier to get to focus on yourself. I would love to go away for one year, me and my band on an island of fresh wholesome food, personal trainers and my dr to give me fills. Now that sounds wonderful...

I think I need a vacation!