Monday, May 14, 2012

Well I guess I didn't stick with it AGAIN since it looks like the last time I was here was in August 2011... I came back out of desperation. To read others post that had the surgery a couple of years ago and to see where they were at. I notice that one of the posters that had surgery the same day I did by the same doctor has also not been around for awhile and also seems to be having the same issues... My 10 cc band was filled up to 9 for the last year and half. I will be honest and admit I was starving myself. I got down to 209 and was so excited to see wonderland real soon. My husband and I were planning a trip to Vegas in April and I finally gave into the fact that I really needed to have an unfil. I was down a lot of weight but didn't really feel all that well... My day consisted of basically kicking out (the nice way of saying throwing up) everything I ate. I loved on coffee and wine or beer. I was throwing up in my sleep anything that was in my cute little pouch. I gave in. So I went to a lady and had 7 cc taken out of my band and left it 2 in. WOW what a difference. To be able to chug water was amazing. But the bad part. I discovered food again. I could eat ANYTHING with not one bit of restriction... I thought ok, I will control myself and enjoy my vacation and get a fill when I get back. Well people in 15 days I gained 30 pounds. Literally 2 pounds per day... Now let me tell you I was on vacation with A LOT of people. I watched what they ate and I ate the same thing. I can guarantee you, that none of them gained 30 pounds in 15 days. So now its about a month later. I am getting my fill back in about 10 days. I am going to have it go back up to an 8. I decided starving is way better then gaining this weight. I feel like a total failure AGAIN... I was 29 pounds away from goal. Now I am back to 241. I have to lose 32 pounds again just to get back to 209 and then finish. But I am scared. Finish? Will I ever be able to FINISH? Do I have to starve myself for the rest of my life. It seems everything that went into my mouth stuck to my body. I will also shamefully admit... I miss the control of kicking out everything I eat. Does that make me bulimic? Whatever it means at this point I don't really care. I want my restriction back. I want to live off of coffee and wine. I want to enjoy my handful of peanuts and be thinner and finally thin. I will deal with the rest of it later.


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