Thursday, October 29, 2009

Leaving for Vegas tomorrow night... Looking forward to getting away. It is also my 9 year anniversary with hubby. The two little ones are coming with us as they have wanted to see Vegas for a very long time....Don't know what they are expecting but we will make it fun for them.

I need a fill so that means I will probably eat my way through Vegas and I don't want to.. but 24 day since my last fill and I am back to being able to eat what I want. I have an appointment scheduled already for next week Wednesday so hopefully I won't do to much damage. I am looking forward to my next 8 to 10 pound jump from the fill... That will get me down in to 307 if I can get the 10 mark...Hopefully I will hit my goal of 299 by Turkey day! That would be a great way to celebrate and that would put me at 56 pound gone in 5 months... I will keep my fingers crossed.

I find it amazing that the last couple of days I have been craving fast food so bad... I have been asking people at work where they are going for lunch and if they can pick me up something... But just when they are ready to go, I change my mind and eat what I brought for the day. But for the time between asking to pick me up something and them leaving all I can think about is what I want to order... Why am I doing this? I have to say my hardest thing right now is soda... If it didn't hurt to drink it I would but it actually gives me a stomach ache so I guess that is a good thing...

I had a conversation (back and forth email) with a friend today and we were discussing biggest loser (love that show) sad that Abby left she still needed to be on the ranch (for you that follow the show) Anyway I told my friend that I am afraid if I don't figure out why I gained this weight, it will all come back again no matter what surgery I have to help... We are overweight for a reason... And when you let yourself get to 382 (highest weight) there is definitely an underlying issue... Its not like I gained the freshman 40 because I started to go to kegger parties in college...

I let myself get 200+ pounds over weight... Do you know why you are overweight? Have you taken care of the underlying issues that got you this way? I would love to hear what you are doing to make the luggage of your life go away.

Happy Thursday... and here is to a great TGIF!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Well today is Sunday, finally in a great mood... Hubby took me out last night one of the little ones spent the night at a friends... his first sleep over and he lost one of his baby teeth while there... He was mad the tooth fairy didn't come... Had to explain she couldn't find him since he wasn't in his bed so she will be here tonight, I PROMISE!... My daughter stayed and my parents.... They love to get the one on one attention. I forget how much they are together, home, school, with friends. They never get to be individuals. I am an only child so I forget how much I always got the one on one attention. I didn't have to fight for it...LITERALLY!

Also figured out the problem of my MOOD for the last few days, aunt Flo showed up. I hate aunt Flo... but at least it's an excuse for my mood...

We have been cleaning out our storage locker this week... Sick and tired of paying 180 a month to store my crap... We are living in a little apartment waiting on buying a house and now I feel like I am living a storage locker but that's OK... It feels so great to get rid of all the crap that I have been dragging around with me for years... It is almost going hand in hand with my weight loss... I guess all this stuff we drag around really does weigh on you when you don't think it does. But WOW i feel much better... AND I feel really good about the pace of my weight loss even though I was complaining a few days ago...

So I have a list of four things I want to get clean/organized or straightened out over the next three weeks. I have already completed one... The second one, my storage was completely empty at 4:17 today so that is halfway done and everything will have a place and be put away by the end of the week... and the next two will be complete by my goal date of 11-15-09...

I have also made a goal of being at 299 by Thanksgiving... I have 16 pounds to get there. I think I will cry when that happens. I have been in the 300's since I was 25 and I am now 44... What a waste of time that has been... It's funny how liberating it feels to say your weight and not be ashamed anymore. The band has done that. I am not proud of it but at least I know it is going away and I hope I can be an inspiration to someone else to get it under control... We will see.

It is funny how we are really just a number and how important those numbers are in our life... Your weight, your credit score, your salary, how much you have in your savings/checking... all numbers that control our life...

Here's a number 5... that's how many glasses of wine I had last night and I loved everyone of them!...

Happy Sunday to you all and hope you all have a great week... I wish a 2 pound loss to everyone that reads this... There is another number for you!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Little better today but still in a funk... I just think it's in the stars or something. Work sucks, kids are being brats, hubby is an ass this week and I need a fill because I can eat to much again and its only been 18 days since my fill...

But, I am going to Vegas next weekend for my 9 year anniversary. Maybe I will hit the million dollar jackpot and then I can just lipo all this crap off my body, get my excess skin hacked off, boob job and be done with it... Now that is the easy way out!

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Not Motivated

I am in a funky place today... Just one of those days when I get annoyed with this whole process and just want it to be done. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of thinking about what to eat, tired of having to cook for everyone... Tired Tired Tired...

Hey everyone... come on in the waters fine (pity pool)

Once again, I had a fill on 10-5-09, my third and again I am back to being able to eat more then I am supposed to. I really don't understand how in 17 days I go from border line not being able to drink fluids to back to eating what I want... The only thing that is different for fill three that I didn't have in fill one and two is bread causes me a little problem but I can feel it get ready to maybe not go down and then I feel it pop through the band (actually feel movement) and it goes through. But other then that everything is going right down... I am also tired of the roller coaster of fill, drop 8 pounds in 4 days go back up 5 pounds over the next 5 days and back down to a total of 9 pounds lost in 17 days. I know that sounds great but I can tell that it's going to go back up again because I am able to eat more and not happy and that will make me start searching for something to munch on...

I had my surgery on 6-18 -09... When I went in for my presurgery appointment exactly on week prior I was 355. When they weighted me the day of surgery I was 345... Today I am 317.

Now if you ask my surgeon, I have lost 38 pounds in 4 months... because they go by the pre op weight a week before... Well I go by the weight the morning of surgery so it's only been 28 pounds in 4 months... I know I'm splitting hairs, but for all that we go through I want more then 7 pounds a month...

I also don't really feel like I know what to eat. I don't remember ever being told a specific calorie count... I am just supposed to eat 60 grams of protein... I am supposed to shoot for just 1/2 a cup of food at each meal.

Man do I sound like a ungrateful whiner writing this. Maybe I just needed to whine to some people that may know what I am feeling...

I have to confess also, that I love but don't sometimes the same questions over and over drive you crazy! And people need to lighten up... I hate when someone confesses to eating a cup cake you have people chime in and say you should call your surgeon immediately you probably made your band slip and your going to explode in 30 seconds... Jeezzzz lighten up its a fricken cup cake.

Oh and I'm tire of my hair falling out. That is sexy.

I loved the one post that said WHOPPER JR... the girl was ready to jump off a bridge... She ate a whopper jr, two cake things, chips and salsa and I think a bag of pizza rolls in 2 hours... I was so jealous! I want a hamburger... I just thought she was cute being so real... I'm surprised the bandster patrol didn't advise her to have the band removed immediately because she was no longer worthy.

Sorry for being a bitch... BUT MAN I FEEL BETTER! I will finish this last Mai Tai I am enjoying while in my pity pool and be great...

Thanks ladies for listening! You guys are the best!

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Other Half

Well now it's hubby's turn...Where do I start. First let me say he wishes he would have done the sleeve just because he thinks it would have been faster. I guess 50 pounds in four months isn't fast enough...ummmm when is the last time you lost 50 pounds HUN! That usually shuts him up.

Hubby has had the hardest time of all of us. Surgery was rough for him he went in just to get the band and came out with the band and a hernia repair. That explains the terrible heartburn/reflux he had for many years. I got the update on him as I was getting rolled in... Surgeon told me that he was fine had to do the hernia repair and the surgery was a little rough and he got jostled around pretty good... He carriers all his weight in his belly so they had to really struggle. Then I was knocked out.

I finally saw him about 11:30 pm... He was up an walking around and came into my room. It's funny how your mothering instincts kick in and I felt like I should have been up helping him even though I was out for the count...

Now it's six am and because my surgery was so late I didn't have to walk around until then... First thing I did was walk to see Eric. I could tell he was in what seemed to be more pain then me but wrote it off to men are baby's...

We were released later that day. Him first, he came to my room to wait for me to be discharged and when he walked up to my room I could tell something was wrong, but along with being babies, they are stubborn as hell and he just wanted to get home and be on the couch... Well as we were sitting there waiting he was foaming and spitting up a lot. I don't think the nurses were really paying attention and said that was normal... WELL IT'S NOT.

We went home and now my mothering really did have to kick and I had to take care of him. Luckily my son did the same the week before so he really new what we were going through and he also took care of us. As the evening progressed Eric couldn't get any pain meds or water down. He was still foaming like crazy and we just figured it was OK because the nurses said so. He tried to drink warm tea because we read that on lap band talk but that didn't work. I took some pain meds and went to bed, he said he would be fine. At about 6 am on Saturday (we had surgery on Thursday, came home Friday afternoon) I could hear him just moaning like crazy, I called the surgeon and he said go right back to the bariatric unit and they will be waiting for you.... My son drove him up and I went up later. There he stayed until Tuesday on morphine and IV fluids. His stomach had swollen shut from such a rough surgery and the extra stuff for the hernia repair... We had to wait to see if the swelling came down or they were going to have to go back in. As you can imagine, after what he was feeling now, there is no way in hell he wanted them to go back.

Here is were I talk about me and how life doesn't stop for mom's.. I had surgery on Thursday and had my last pain meds Friday afternoon. With him back in the hospital and having two little ones I had to go right back into regular mode. I had to get myself to the hospital to go see him, I had to feed and take care of the little ones and in reality my banded son was only a week out so I was still needing to take care of him (my needs really) and I was back to work on Monday. Believe me I sat on the edge of my bed Saturday and Sunday night and just cried. I wanted to sit and around and recover like everyone else gets to... I was in the pity pool, it was warm and the margarita's were flowing... I guess crying myself to sleep was the best therapy... Like my mom says "suck it up and get over it"...

ANYWAY... Hubby came home on Tuesday, no more surgery and he was going to make it. How's that for drama.

Fast forward to now... he has lost 50 pounds but even that has not been easy for him... He gets things caught constantly. He is on fill number three and I would say he get stuck more then he doesn't but he won't go in a get any taken out. He says he will live with it and it helps him lose weight faster. It drives me crazy, but it's his body and he is going to do what he wants.

Why are men so stubborn. Is admitting you might have to much saline make you a wussy or something... I guess because he is a 6'4" Norwegian guy he is supposed to handle pain... Not elective pain dummy! But like I said he is a big boy and can make his own decisions... It just helps me out in future arguments when I need an example to give him of what an idiot he is... said in a very loving way of course!

The fun part about us doing it together is we got to do our laps around the nurses stations together... we got lots of attention because we were husband and wife doing it together and the nurses remembered me from a week prior with my son... So it was nice to feel a little special... Not Jon and Kate special but just our own little special.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Golden Egg

When does a child become a grown up in the mothers eyes... I don't think they ever do personally.

My banded son is my golden egg...everyone knows it. He has a special place in my hear that will never change. He is my rock, my fellow Gemini and I don't want him to grow up EVER, but damn it he keeps growing...and I mean that literally since he's 6'4" .

I have watched him gain weight throughout the years and have felt total guilt for it. With my own bad eating habits it was hard to change and I know he was also trying to get comfort. I understand it, as I have been there. Going through a divorce and moving to a different state when you are 5 years old was tough.... We ate our sorrow away together and it just is what it is at this point. We talked about it and we both get it but you still do it and we don't judge for it. It is who we are.

When my husband and I started the process of getting band approval I extended the offer to him. I knew this would be a hard decision for him being a teenager and not really knowing what to expect... At first he said no way and of course I tried to persuade him to do it. He decided to go for it... I think he was just going along with the other two of us and didn't really think about it. As we went through the motions and got approved he did all his stuff and we had our dates scheduled... His date happened to be first and exactly one week before me and my hubby.

Let me tell you how the guilt set in once everything was a done deal... I kept telling him if you don't want to do this I wouldn't blame you and to make sure at any moment if you change your mind to just tell me and we will put the brakes on the operations... He never changed his mind and started looking forward to his new life.

I totally felt like I pressured him into the operation, what if something happened on the operating table, what if there were complications was he going to be able to live a normal teenager life all the crap that went through my head was amazing... He was so young to be doing something so life changing and I knew he really didn't research it... Just went by the things I told him.

On the flip side of that week before surgery he was 390. So he already wasn't living a normal teenage life. He was already headed for complications in his health and having been overweight most of my life, I wish I could have had an opportunity like this when I was 19 and didn't waste so much time being overweight. When your weight gets that high, it is almost impossible at that point. It is so out of control and I knew it was going to only go higher...

Well surgery day came, he breezed through the operation...I do have to tell you this... It was almost 19 years to the date from his first surgery at three weeks old and this surgery. He was born with a little hernia down in his groin area that they had to fix.... Nothing major just a little fix it thing but when you hand your three week baby over to a surgery team, that is tough and it doesn't matter how simple it is... So here we are 19 years later and I am handing my baby over to a surgery team again... Still just has hard except this time I wasn't nursing and my shirt was not soaked with breast milk by the time he came to recovery! And his dad was on stand by via cell phone and not sitting next to me. That was weird how much I wanted his dad with me. That is another story and we are now is a good place but that has taken many many years to get there.

Now the next phase of guilt comes in... Your child is wheeled into his room, he is so out of it and in pain. I am looking at this kid and realizing this pain was elective and I did this to him... I cried the whole way home that night. That was June 11th

Fast forward to today... He has lost almost 50 pounds in 4 months and couldn't be happier that he did this. Thank goodness he has a great group of friends (only one of them knows about his surgery) so he did and does have a great life at his age... He is so stoked about losing his weight, he feels great about himself, we exercise together and we are so close... We always have been and going through this together has just sealed the deal with what we can talk about which has always been ANYTHING, but it is just different now.

I guess this is just another thing the two of us have gone through together. Again, which is why he is my golden egg! And it helps that he is always making me laugh!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes (Brats)

Just had to tell you what my six year old son said:

Mom, so when is that band thing going to start working....

It's ok, he is still alive and I still love him. I only disliked him for split second.

Wanting to Binge!

It was weird this week... the whole band family was in a huge craving mode... We just wanted to eat a lot and something really good... I swear it is because of the season change and we are all actually animals and are going into hibernation mode.

So on Thursday we were going to order pizza and pig out. I ordered an extra large pepperoni and sausage and a small combo... large one for my banded son and the two other kids (they are six and eight) and the small combo for me and the hubby...

Well as much as we wanted to let go and just feed the frenzy... our little artificial body part said no. I guess it was doing it's job damn it. I was able to eat two slices of a small pizza and I was tapped out, I could have stopped at one but I was determined to get my craving satisfied... My mind set before the evening started was i was gonna eat half of that damn pizza. My son's plan was to graze on the deliciousness all evening and play his video games... Tapped out at since and also like me a little later in the evening was determined to have one more just because. Hubby was only able to eat the toppings off of two small slices and a little crust. But again remember he is the chosen one in the family having a harder time at the getting things stuck...

Remember the good old days.... Here is a typical night at Native New Yorker pre band for our family:

Large Pizza
3 Dozen Wings
Potato skins
Basket of Fries or Mozzarella Sticks
3 or 4 large beers for me and hubby each
Unlimited soda' for the kids
And then on the way home stop and pick up a desert or stop for ice cream

Now that was just dinner. On a normal day I would have had Starbucks and some sort of a pastry for breakfast... snacked on the candy dish (no big deal they were snack size!) until lunch and then maybe no lunch or something from a fast food place or a work luncheon that would have consisted of way to much food. Snacked on the candy dish until I left work... Got home knowing I was going out to dinner and would have had a couple of beers to get primed to go have a couple of beers and probably a slice of cheese or two or some chips or pretzels, god forbid if I had something to drink with out food to do go with it.... And then off to dinner.

And then I wonder how I hit a top weight of 387 in January 09. It absolutely amazes me how much food a body can actually consume. And I was teaching these patterns to my children.. My banded son obviously at 19 had already picked up these terrible habits... I still have hope for the two little ones... Other then the obvious reasons for wanting to lose weight, those two were a lot of me reason for getting banded. At 43 years old and 387 I wanted to be around long enough to see them grow old. At the rate I was going that wasn't going to happen...

ps... my son drives when we are out to dinner drinking so please don't think we drink and drive with the kids in the car!

Friday, October 16, 2009

What a trip

Well... Here I am. I have never blogged before but I feel like I have a lot to say about my (our) experience as a family banded... I was banded on June 18, the same day that my husband was. My son was banded on June 11... We sent him in first! Just kidding. It has been a trippy experience to say the least. All of the emotion, trial and error and just not really knowing what to expect or the correct way to do this hole band thing...

Thus far I would say we are doing pretty good. The guys have lost somewhere in the 40's and I am in the 30's so I can't complain.. Eating can sometimes be hard especially for my husband, he seems to have the most problems out of all of us. Get's stuck a lot but he also ended up back in the hospital hours after he came home from surgery for an additional 4 days because he swelled shut. He is convinced the best diet ever is morphine and IV fluids... sounds fun to me! So I think he will have a harder time then my son and myself since he has had problems from the beginning...

My son went into his experience pushing the limits from day four post op... he always tried to see how much he can get away with. I think that is something a 19 year old boy would do anyway... But after a month or two he got serious and is doing great. He is also close to his sweet spot, he wants to eat more but his band reminds him at each meal he cant... so success.

Me... I think I don't give myself enough credit... I keep thinking that I should be thinner then I am. I guess I have the mindset of gastric bypass and how they are down 100 pounds in a week. But that is OK... my mind will catch up with my progress sooner or later. For now I will just keep on trucking.

More to follow as I get more courage to express myself completely....

Danise :)