Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On liquids for a few days...seems my stomach is swollen as it is very painfull for anything to go through the band kind of like stuck on crack! Not sure what has caused it but, hopefully just liquids will fix it... Doc says it's not a slipped band, I just irritated it. Good part is this will give me a little weight loss boost...I really don't want to start having problems, so I hope this fixes it's self.

Saturday, December 26, 2009


I am so excited for the new year. I know a ton of changes are coming for me and my family. We have made it through the learning curve from surgery, right into the holidays which what a definite learning experience. It is amazing when I look back at what used to be consumed and what is now consumed. I still was bad in a sense when you look at the band rules, but I was golden if you compare it to pre band consumption.

Compared to my last post I am feeling much more optimistic. I realize now I will always have ups and downs, but adding the holiday pressure onto the ups and downs magnified the situation. But it is over and all is good. I didn't gain any weight over the last couple days, didn't lose any either. So I guess that is all good.

The sucky part is I got my last fill the Monday before Thanksgiving and I was 317 that day... I went all the way down to 309 in about the 10 days that followed and from there I am back up to basically a month from my last fill has gotten me down 4 pounds. BUT there has been a lot of holiday festivities in between my fill and today. So with that being said I am very happy. I know in my heart and soul I will hit my 299 mark in the next two weeks. Back to basics, back to working out, my monthly friend will be gone in a few days, other then new years eve the alcohol will be WAY down, because it has been WAY up... I have not been drinking ANY water what so ever so with all these factors it will be a pretty easy task... and I will get a fill right after new years.

So 2010 will be a good year for weight loss, I have some great things coming up in January career wise so there will be promotions and salary increases coming my way. My banded son will be finishing up his schooling and my husband will be half way done with his degree this year... My two little ones are happy and great kids and just keep in trucking along with the rest of the family...Plus we will be buying a house this year... I haven't owned one in about 4 years now and I HATE renting so very excited about that.

Hope good times, good days, good health, good bank accounts and great numbers on the scale come to all of you and to all of yours in the new year!

Monday, December 21, 2009


Depressed. Feeling fat(that always sounds so stupid, I am fat, I'm 310 pounds when did I feel skinny) I hate my band. I hate everything. Work sucks. Probably going to get my period so that is why I am eating chocolate and salt. I actually ate triscuts with nutella on them yesterday. Who the hell eats that! I've never had that in my life. Scale is going up... Everything I eat gets stuck. I feel like I am binging and purging literally. So tired of every meal hurting to some degree. I just want to not worry about food anymore. I guess i can stick to Greek yogurt. That is my favorite part of the day, the morning when I get my yogurt. It doesn't hurt, it fills me up for a few hours. I wonder if I could live off of it.

Anyway, I can't find a bright spot in my day. But I know this will pass. And if one more person brings See's candy into our office I am going to knife them. It doesn't even taste that good and I keep eating a couple of pieces a day. Just want the holidays to be over so i can get back to business.

I had someone email me the other day and ask for details on my surgery and would I do it again. It's funny, for the first few months I said with out a doubt, but as time goes on I would have to really make sure the person knew what they were getting into. Anyone that thinks this is easy can kiss my ass. This is way harder then just diet and exercise. The unknown everyday is getting old. You never know what to expect.

I wish sometimes you could turn it off. Just for a few minutes in those situations that you don't have a lot of options of what to eat. I took the kids to McDonald's yesterday to play. I sat there a looked at the menu because I had not eaten yet and it was two in the afternoon. I go there so they can play in the play area and I can sit and read with out someone taking them. So I ordered a snack wrap thing (that was the shits) and an ice coffee... Of coarse one bit and stuck. Give me a fricken break. That gets old. so that is why I am saying I wish some days you could turn it off.

Then I ponder lately about the future... Do I really have to have this devise in my body for the rest of my life. 10, 20 30 years from now... did we really think about what the rest of our lives meant when it came to the band... I can't see not having it, once the restriction is gone you can eat and the little by little the ounces come back and then before you know it its a pound. But whatever, it is what it is for now. A bridge I will cross when the time comes.

One last thing I have to vent about that really made me mad was a post I read on lapbandtalk...I won't mention names, but you would all know her if I did. She is one of the all stars on the web site. Anyway this person posted that she is getting a divorce and has now realized she just settled for the person she is with because she was fat. And now realizes he isn't attractive and isn't someone she would be with at her skinnier self. WOW, did she really post that! I understand falling out of love and maybe discovering new things about yourself, but to use the words she did and to put down the person she married is such a way just sickened me. I wish her the best, but karma is a bitch!

Oh and again one last thing... is the lap band easier when you only have to deal with yourself. When you don't have to take care of a bunch of people. I hate having to worry about what to cook everyone when I would be happy with a slice of turkey and a cucumber. But I have to be responsible for two other banded people in the house and two little kids... Again another excuse but it still seems like it would be easier to get to focus on yourself. I would love to go away for one year, me and my band on an island of fresh wholesome food, personal trainers and my dr to give me fills. Now that sounds wonderful...

I think I need a vacation!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

OMG... i had my surgery six months ago tomorrow. To date I have not tried on any other clothes then what I have. I am down just about 50... Was hoping for 10 pounds a month but that is ok, the Holidays are not helping me out whatsoever right now. But I am on a livet not a diet.

Anyway, I went in Steinmart tonight to by a gift for a friend. She loves the store and I have never been in it... I ventured over to the women's section to see how high the sizes went. They only went to a 24 so I laughed and said I am still stuck in the large size women's store... I looked at a jacket on the wall and thought it was cute so I picked up the 3x to see what it looked like and IT FIT OVER MY CLOTHES... Now I really don't know how clothes should fit since I have been buying tent size clothes for the last 20 years thinking that covering up my body must look better so I am very used to things just hanging on me. I got excited and so did my little ones that were with me. This made me go back to the pants and try the 24...

I went in the changing room AND THEY FIT! I am still wearing my size 30 pants that are absolutely hanging on me to the point of embarrassment now and these actually fit very comfortably. I know they are still in the women's section but for me that has been buying 28 to 30s and 4x to 5x shirts, I wanted to cry. I could not believe it.

I was so afraid to try on clothes because the was going go be my proof that I have not changed and I didn't want to go there. It doesn't matter that my current clothes are actually falling off of me but I keep wearing them out of security. Still have not figured this out but hopefully I will see myself a little differently...

I can tell you that this gave me huge inspiration. I have been holding at 312 for a couple of weeks and it it driving me crazy. I got down to 309 on Turkey day (my fill was the monday before turkey day and I weighed 317 at that) and I knew it would go up a little once I started eating regular food after my three days of liquid but I can not move from 312 right now. But seeing how close I am to size 18 makes me so excited. I never thought i would be so happy to be in an 18. Of coarse I want to be lower but for me that is just a beautiful size in my mind.

So anyway a 24 means to me that I can shop at the women's section of many more stores then just the large size only shops. I love you dearly, large size ladies store, because you are who I have been for so many years and you were always there for me... But I have to move on now my friend! Thank you for being my source of comfort with clothes. But I have a new friend now and she is WAY LESS EXPENSIVE!


Have a great Friday!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Once Upon A Time in the Land of Cheese and Sunkist

Not sure how many of you read the blog above done by Amy W. but it is very good and you should... She recently did a VLOG about a person that offered her unwelcome opinion about WLS... I have to agree that it fired me up. But then I read some of the comments and the one that I am about to share in particular just literaly made me sick to my stomach... Let me know how it makes you feel:


Look, I have nothing against fat people. What they do is their own business, but I don’t want to see them kissing, much less under the Eiffel Tower. Why do they have to go rubbing their lifestyle in my face? How do I explain that to my kids?

(Seriously, I’m getting all those vommitty side effects just reading about the ad.) Reply
Edited by LaComtesse at 09/30/09 5:18 PM
The Chainsmoking Countess
Bitching About the Peasants... In Style. (this is the name of her blog)

So now being over weight to this person is a "life style" that she has to explain to her children... WTF are you kidding me. And she does not want to see overweight people kiss... I can't even get myself under control... This is such an in your face comment by this bitch and all I want for Christmas is her address so I can shove my life style up her ass... People have such nerve... I also clicked on her picture to see where it would go and she has some pom pas ass blog that seems to regularly put down other people...

Is this really what people think about overweight people... That we are a life style chose... Am I being over sensitive about this or does it just chap your ass also?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Day three after my fill

Got a fill on Monday... I am now 9.4 cc's in an 11 cc band. That kind of scares me. What happens when I can't put anymore in and my restriction is gone.

Anyway, my DR puts us on liquids for three days after a fill... so my diet has consisted of the following...

Monday turkey chili at 10 am (fill at 2 pm) water for the rest of the day. Nothing sounded good via the liquid diet..

Tuesday... protein shake before work... got about 3 gulps down on my way out the door... that came back up. Drank it to fast.
Starbucks coffee
Naked protein drink

Starbucks coffee
glass of white wine
Naked protein drink
4 more glasses of white wine

That has been my diet for the last three days... not great, not what it's supposed to be, but it is what it is... The fun part is my weight on Monday was 317.5... this also included the dreaded period gain because the Friday before I was at 313...

So Today, Turkey day, I am 309!... Now I know that is period weight gone and I have really had nothing but wine and coffee for the last three days... so it was nice to see a new lower number... and according to the scale I am 10 pounds away from these totally disgusting 300 numbers that I have been in for the past 20 years, but I also now that it will go back up again as soon as I start to eat normal food which is always so hard. I hate the loss after a fill that goes back up for a week and then goes back down a week before a fill again... it take a month to take off put back on and take back off the original amount that was lost three days after liquids only from a fill... why can't it just keep going down..

Again this is why I am so nervous about being close to maxing out my band capacity... It has taken 6 fills to lose about 45 pounds... I have 150 left to lose. I don't see how that is going to happen with only 1.5 cc's left to fit.

We will see... I agree with Jen's post of where does the restriction go...

But I will be happy today, I can eat food today and it just happens to be Turkey day. I am a little gun shy about what is going to happen with food since I have not tested my new fill yet. Dr...said to be very careful be cause I am at that point of being really tight and food being a problem and he didn't want to get an emergency call!

Maybe I will just stick to wine and coffee... that seems to be working the best. My hair is falling out anyway and I am getting about 70 to 90 grams of protein a day so that isn't keeping it from happening anyway. At least with my coffee and wine diet I will be thin and drunk if I am going to be bald.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I have had a couple people say they can't post on my blog... i have tried a fix so if anyone reads this please try to comment so I can see if its working...


Thursday, November 19, 2009

What will it be???

I was watching a person work out today and it just amazed me how much some people can do... Example, run on the treadmill. I don't think even if I was 120 I could run. I am to much of a klutz, but we will see? This lead me to think about my passions and what will they be when I am no longer carrying around this extra person...

I don't think I will ever like hiking, it just does not interest me... But I do enjoy walking around in the forest, just not hiking up mountains... We have a mountain here called camelback and I don't ever see me being interested in personally see the top of it.

I know I will water ski again. I grew up water skiing and can't wait for my kids to do this. Obviously I have not done this with them because a 350+ pound person on the boat is not a real treat to look at. Plus there is no way in hell I would be able to pull myself up out of the water. But I will be skiing next summer. I might not be at goal, but I will be at least 100 pounds down and that will look a lot better!

I want to white water rapid on a raft with a bunch of people...that looks so fun. Can't wait.

Another thing I really want to do is go to a nude beach... I have always wanted to to that. How freeing would that be. After all of these year hiding in the fat suit to just be out there for all the world to see and not even care... I think that will be the first thing I do when I hit goal... kind of my coming out party. My husband says he would go with me. Not sure if he could bare all but he would try... I love him for at least trying... I'm sure he is hoping to see lots of boobies! But I still love him for going and being my wing man!

I want to play softball again. I have not played since before my banded son and he is 19! Its been a long time. I think I would be afraid of the ball hitting me in the face but we will see.

I want to be addicted to yoga... Never done it but it looks so peaceful and satisfying... I have no idea but it looks that way to me.

Those are a few of the things that I am looking forward to doing... I can't wait to find out what I will be passionate about... Another wonderful thing the band will bring!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Happy Wednesday to all!

It has been a few days since my last post I am down to 313 so I finally had some movement on the scale... I probably won't hit my 299 by Turkey day but I will be happy to be in the 30? number. Maybe Santa will bring me 299!

I have been doing everything perfect and what a difference it actually makes. It is causing me to drop about 4/10 (my scale does .2 .4 .6 .8 after your weight if that makes sense) of a pound a day since Friday. I am eating just half a cup of food at each meal, getting my water, all my vitamins, correct amount of protein and I am back at the gym everyday doing 1/2 hour on the tread mill. That is the best I can do for now but will build back up again to the 45 minutes I was at and a rotation on the equipment.

I stopped going about 6 weeks ago after going consistently for about a month and a half... I felt great and don't know why I stopped...Just like always from the past. I know when I stopped, it was when my period started and didn't feel good for a day and then used that for an excuse for a week, then I caught a cold and there you go. But I took my son and said we are going back and we are doing it.... I won't stop again this time.

It's stupid. I paid a lot of money for the three of us to be banded, I need to be doing this to it's fullest and it is amazing how much better you feel when you exercise. I was pretty shocked at how much I was able to do after a week when I first started going. I got tired walking around the grocery store let alone exercising. So anyway we are back at it and it feels great. I'm not going to lie, it's tough to leave work after 10 to 12 hours a day and get to the gym, best part of my workout is when the tread mill says 5, 4, 3 ,2 , out complete. I love that! Such a sense of accomplishment.

Another thing I am working through right now is my sleep. I was going to bed around 12:30 or 1:00 in the morning every night and getting up at 4:30. I was working off of about 4 hours a night if that. Basically a nap. I am making myself go to bed by 9:30... It is tough. It feels like I am going to bed around 6 in the evening. But I have to do it. I have to get at least 7 hours sleep. I know this is one of the huge factors in weight gain... They are proving that. So another thing I am trying to do to help this process. I find it funny that I wake up about 2 am and find it hard to go back to sleep...I guess my body is still on it's 4 hour cycle... But I will get myself retrained.

Send good thoughts to keep me going and I will send them back to you!

Danise :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Thursday, November 12, 2009


I've come to the conclusion that I am working against myself and didn't even know it. I joined daily plate and have been logging my food. From what I thought was healthy I can now see my carbs are way out of whack. I am getting a ton of protein but my carbs are half of my pie chart... That can't be good. They are not bad carbs but carbs from things like Greek yogurt ( I refuse to give that up) slim fast, protein bars and granola that I am putting in my yogurt... Its not a lot of items but they sure add up...

Then my next thing is lack of sleep. I function off of 3.5 to 4 hours of sleep a night. This is really just a nap. And I think it is killing me literally. This has been going on now for about three months and I don't think I can make it much longer. My son and I carpool together. He has to be at school at 6:30 and it is about 45minutes away, we leave the house at 5:30 so he can drop me off. I get to work about 5:45 and then get done around 4... I do the normal evening stuff and I just done' seem to get to bed before 12:30 or 1:00 am. I am exhausted

Third is the stress of my job. So you mix carbs, no sleep and high stress and my body is not letting go as fast as it should with the amount of food that I am eating.

With that said I guess it's time to make choices in what is good for me and not what is good for everyone else. I am going to have to so something about the car pool thing. Getting to work everyday two hours early is ridiculous, staying up so late so I can possibly see my husband for a few minutes at night is not working (swing shift guy) and then I have to start saying no at work. It all sounds so easy when I am typing it but good luck doing it.

Another annoyance AGAIN is the fill thing. I got my last fill on Nov 3rd, I really thought this one was it, i got a shrimp somewhat stuck just last night and then restriction gone today. I am at 7.5 of my 11cc realize band. I am starting to get nervous that I am going to run out of cc's to fill. I got exactly 8 days of restriction this time, dropped 5 pounds since last Wednesday and now here we go again. What is really weird is I know my restriction is gone as soon as I can burp again. When i am tight it is next to impossible for me to burp.

So back to will power again for two weeks. I am actually getting a fill the day before thanksgiving... NO Turkey for me this year and I don't really care. I got out of cooking.

I really wanted to hit 299 for turkey day, but that is 15 pounds away and I don't see if happening with no restriction again. We will see.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

About Me

-Age: 44
-Annoyance: Stupidity… lazy co workers
-Animal: Cat
-Actor: Kevin Costner Vince Vaughn

Birthday/Birthplace: June 8th in Redwood City Ca
Body part on men: That V shape of the upper torso and hands
Been in love: Deeply a couple of times
Been bitched at: To many times
Believe in yourself: No… not really
Believe in God: Yes and in Goddess
Before weight: 355, highest ever was 382 in Jan 09 – scared the hell out of me.

Car: Dodge Ram Truck and a Ford Focus
Candy: Snickers and Twix
Color: Green
Cried in school: Many times
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Chinese or Mexican: Mexican at home Chinese dining out
Cake or pie: Pie – Lemon
Country to visit: If I only get one it would be all over America.

Day or night: Night
Danced: Yes and Love it
Do the split: Never have

Eggs: Soft Boiled
Eyes: Green

First Crush: I think his name was Scott in Kindergarten
First thoughts after waking up: What am I going to eat?
Favorite food: Pizza

Greatest Fear: Losing my children
Goals: To be physically, mentally, emotionally spiritually and financially happy.
Get along with your parents? I think my mom and I go through the motions because you’re supposed to love each. I will never make her happy no matter what I do…My dad is a control freak, but I KNOW he loves me; It’s a love I can feel… I can’t say I know my mom REALLY loves me like a mom should. She says she does.

Good luck charm: In the past I have tried to create one. But I don’t really have one…

Hair color: dark blonde – light brown
Height: 5’9”
Happy: No… if I am to be totally honest.
Holiday: The fall holiday. .
Health Freak: In my mind I am, but my actions are not… It’s a weird thing I struggle with.
Hate: Child abuser, Rapist (they should both be put to instant death) Women who sleep with other woman’s man. If they didn’t men couldn’t cheat. It’s that simple.

Ice cream: Jamocho Almond Fudge butter
Instrument: I have played the guitar when I was in elementary school… I wish I could play the piano

Jewelry: Pretty basic…wedding ring, spoon ring and earrings.
Job: Insurance Account Manager for large construction firms

Kids: 3 (Boy 19, Girl 8, Boy 6
Kickboxing or Karate: I would love to do kick boxing
Keep a journal: No…I just started blogging so that is kind of a journal

Longest Car Ride: 19 hours from Northern CA to AZ
Love: Not sure what the questions is…I am in love, have been in love. Love to me is just knowing the other person loves you and you don’t have to wonder if they really do.
Laughed so hard you cried: Laughing is my favorite thing to do, so yes many times.
Love at first sight: No one can love someone at first sight… That is lust. And Lust at first sight is fun also.

Milk flavor: Regular whole milk like we drank when we were kids. Now it’s 1%
Movie: Practical Magic
Mooned anyone: My husband
Marriage: I am (twice) now you understand one of my HATES!
Motion Sickness: Once or twice in my life.
McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King regular little hamburgers and McDonalds fries and ice coffee

Number of siblings: 0
Number of Piercing: 2
Number: 5 seems to show up in my life a lot… not sure why.

One wish: Peace, when you are at peace that means everything in your life is good… That is one word that sums up the best of everything.

Place you'd like to live: Coast of California
Perfect Pizza: Round Table
Pepsi or Coke: Coke

Questionnaires: They make you think about yourself every now and then and make you see how your thoughts/opinions change over your life.

Reason to cry: When I feel like I can’t do “it”…”It” being whatever it is at any given moment.
Reality TV: I love Top Chef and Biggest Loser
Roll your tongue in a circle: Yes

Song: Anything by Stevie Nicks
Shoe size: 9 or 10 depends on the shoe
Salad dressing: Blue Cheese or My dad’s 1000 Inland
Skipped School: More then I want to admit.
Sing well: My kids say I do…
Strawberries or blueberries: Strawberries because they are less expensive… But I do like both

Time for bed: Usually around mid night and up at 4 am. Not good.
Thunderstorms: One of the best things Mother Nature can give us… I love them
TV: I watch a lot of it.

Unpredictable: I am pretty predictable… You can guarantee that I am going to be ticked off at any given moment at something.

Vegetable you hate: Egg Plant
Vegetable you love: Salad…Any kind.
Vacation spot: I want to go to a nudist beach at goal... Just something I have always wanted to do… That seems like it would be so freeing.

Weakness: Cheese and Wine
When you grow up: I want to be responsible
Which one of your friends acts the most like you: I don’t have close friends anymore… I moved away from them 15 years ago and have never really made new ones… Just acquaintances. I don’t trust anymore.
Wanted to be a model: I want to look like one but not actually have that be my career...

Xrays: A few

Year it is now: 2009
Yellow: was my favorite color when I was a kid… I still like it but never use it… Don’t know why.

Zoo: They are ok... I don’t really like to see locked up animals
Zodiac sign: Look up Gemini in the dictionary and you will see a picture of me… You can’t be more Gemini that me.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Back from Sin City

Got back yesterday (actually Tuesday I started this last night) and to the DR today... got a fill and boy did I need it... On Oct 5th I was 326...fill number three...

By Oct 30th I was 323...In between I was down to a low of 316 and back up... At the Dr's today I was 322... Which means I actually lost a pound after being in Vegas for 4 days. Not bad. He always tries to be encouraging and said 1 pound a week is great. Let's face it we all want more then 1 pound a week but it is what it is. I did tell him I got down to 316 and was disappointed that I went back up as soon as I didn't have any restriction. He told me that he wants me coming in every three weeks now to catch the loss of restriction before the weight shows back up on the scale...

Now skipping forward to today (Thursday) My hubby also got a fill yesterday. He is the one that has the most problem out of all of us. Well this time he really proved what a jack ass he is (again said with love) He got his fill, drank his water and told the doc all was good... We leave. As we walk out the door, he spits out his water. I was furious. He proceeds to keep spitting and foaming and says he will be fine. He drops me back at work he proceeds to work. Well, needless to day I get a call at home from the darling late that evening and he is saying you better call and get me in tomorrow as this isn't going to work. He can't even keep is saliva down. I am so angry at him for being such an idiot with his band... He gets home around 2 am from work and is just miserable he has been foaming and spitting now for about 14 hours... He says he is going to lay on the couch. Well all I heard all night long is him waking up gasping for air and chocking on his own spit because if you can't swallow there is no where for it to go. And if your asleep and can't swallow, your going to chock... HELLO!!!! I swear he was going to drown... Needless to say I was up all night long worrying and before you know it my alarm goes off at 4:30 am and I have to get up.

I call the after hours service at 5:30 when I get to work so they can let the doc know he is coming in as soon as they open. He shows up they take out a cc and he is on his way. I lecture him and of coarse now that he is able to get water down he is back to his cocky little self and saying I was fine... I swear I am going to kill this man if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass.

Now I ask why are men so damn annoying. If if it wasn't for their muscle to move heavy things for me... and that other part that I am so fond of I would be a lesbian. They have the right idea. If I could just get myself to be sexually attracted to the same sex I would be good to go, but that damn little man part just keeps me coming back.. Oh well maybe in my next life!

Anyway, got my fill yesterday at 11 am... I was good all day yesterday with the liquids and up until tonight when i was fixing the kids some chicken... I had a few bites.. I KNOW, liquids only but I was so hungry and it tasted to good. I chewed it like crazy and just enjoyed the flavor in my mouth... no stuck but the RESTRICTION WAS GREAT!!! Just hope I can keep this one for the next three weeks. From yesterday until this morning I was 322 at the doc's and 318 at home this morning... I love how fast it moves with a fill. If only it would stay that way and stay off.

This will get you... Hubby was 340 at the doc's yesterday at 11:30 and this morning at 9:30 when he was back he was 329... he lost 11 pounds over night... obviously not being able to swallow he was losing all kinds of water weight and probably starting to dehydrate, so I am sure it will be back on now that he is drinking and eating soup, but WOW to bad we can't work it like that everyday!

I also wanted to mention the trend I was seeing catching up on every ones blogs after being gone for four days... People seem to be happy and liking who they are. They are realizing that this is going to work and it's OK to have some CANDY for Halloween and the band is keeping them from going crazy and falling off the proverbial wagon again... This isn't weight watchers. We can't just stop and say oh well I will try again another day. We have this little artificial part that says you are not going to stop this time you are going to do it... It may be slow and steady and it's not gastric bypass fast but damn we are gong to be frickin hot this time and I can't wait for the plastic surgery!

Happy almost Friday to you all!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Leaving for Vegas tomorrow night... Looking forward to getting away. It is also my 9 year anniversary with hubby. The two little ones are coming with us as they have wanted to see Vegas for a very long time....Don't know what they are expecting but we will make it fun for them.

I need a fill so that means I will probably eat my way through Vegas and I don't want to.. but 24 day since my last fill and I am back to being able to eat what I want. I have an appointment scheduled already for next week Wednesday so hopefully I won't do to much damage. I am looking forward to my next 8 to 10 pound jump from the fill... That will get me down in to 307 if I can get the 10 mark...Hopefully I will hit my goal of 299 by Turkey day! That would be a great way to celebrate and that would put me at 56 pound gone in 5 months... I will keep my fingers crossed.

I find it amazing that the last couple of days I have been craving fast food so bad... I have been asking people at work where they are going for lunch and if they can pick me up something... But just when they are ready to go, I change my mind and eat what I brought for the day. But for the time between asking to pick me up something and them leaving all I can think about is what I want to order... Why am I doing this? I have to say my hardest thing right now is soda... If it didn't hurt to drink it I would but it actually gives me a stomach ache so I guess that is a good thing...

I had a conversation (back and forth email) with a friend today and we were discussing biggest loser (love that show) sad that Abby left she still needed to be on the ranch (for you that follow the show) Anyway I told my friend that I am afraid if I don't figure out why I gained this weight, it will all come back again no matter what surgery I have to help... We are overweight for a reason... And when you let yourself get to 382 (highest weight) there is definitely an underlying issue... Its not like I gained the freshman 40 because I started to go to kegger parties in college...

I let myself get 200+ pounds over weight... Do you know why you are overweight? Have you taken care of the underlying issues that got you this way? I would love to hear what you are doing to make the luggage of your life go away.

Happy Thursday... and here is to a great TGIF!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Well today is Sunday, finally in a great mood... Hubby took me out last night one of the little ones spent the night at a friends... his first sleep over and he lost one of his baby teeth while there... He was mad the tooth fairy didn't come... Had to explain she couldn't find him since he wasn't in his bed so she will be here tonight, I PROMISE!... My daughter stayed and my parents.... They love to get the one on one attention. I forget how much they are together, home, school, with friends. They never get to be individuals. I am an only child so I forget how much I always got the one on one attention. I didn't have to fight for it...LITERALLY!

Also figured out the problem of my MOOD for the last few days, aunt Flo showed up. I hate aunt Flo... but at least it's an excuse for my mood...

We have been cleaning out our storage locker this week... Sick and tired of paying 180 a month to store my crap... We are living in a little apartment waiting on buying a house and now I feel like I am living a storage locker but that's OK... It feels so great to get rid of all the crap that I have been dragging around with me for years... It is almost going hand in hand with my weight loss... I guess all this stuff we drag around really does weigh on you when you don't think it does. But WOW i feel much better... AND I feel really good about the pace of my weight loss even though I was complaining a few days ago...

So I have a list of four things I want to get clean/organized or straightened out over the next three weeks. I have already completed one... The second one, my storage was completely empty at 4:17 today so that is halfway done and everything will have a place and be put away by the end of the week... and the next two will be complete by my goal date of 11-15-09...

I have also made a goal of being at 299 by Thanksgiving... I have 16 pounds to get there. I think I will cry when that happens. I have been in the 300's since I was 25 and I am now 44... What a waste of time that has been... It's funny how liberating it feels to say your weight and not be ashamed anymore. The band has done that. I am not proud of it but at least I know it is going away and I hope I can be an inspiration to someone else to get it under control... We will see.

It is funny how we are really just a number and how important those numbers are in our life... Your weight, your credit score, your salary, how much you have in your savings/checking... all numbers that control our life...

Here's a number 5... that's how many glasses of wine I had last night and I loved everyone of them!...

Happy Sunday to you all and hope you all have a great week... I wish a 2 pound loss to everyone that reads this... There is another number for you!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Little better today but still in a funk... I just think it's in the stars or something. Work sucks, kids are being brats, hubby is an ass this week and I need a fill because I can eat to much again and its only been 18 days since my fill...

But, I am going to Vegas next weekend for my 9 year anniversary. Maybe I will hit the million dollar jackpot and then I can just lipo all this crap off my body, get my excess skin hacked off, boob job and be done with it... Now that is the easy way out!

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Not Motivated

I am in a funky place today... Just one of those days when I get annoyed with this whole process and just want it to be done. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of thinking about what to eat, tired of having to cook for everyone... Tired Tired Tired...

Hey everyone... come on in the waters fine (pity pool)

Once again, I had a fill on 10-5-09, my third and again I am back to being able to eat more then I am supposed to. I really don't understand how in 17 days I go from border line not being able to drink fluids to back to eating what I want... The only thing that is different for fill three that I didn't have in fill one and two is bread causes me a little problem but I can feel it get ready to maybe not go down and then I feel it pop through the band (actually feel movement) and it goes through. But other then that everything is going right down... I am also tired of the roller coaster of fill, drop 8 pounds in 4 days go back up 5 pounds over the next 5 days and back down to a total of 9 pounds lost in 17 days. I know that sounds great but I can tell that it's going to go back up again because I am able to eat more and not happy and that will make me start searching for something to munch on...

I had my surgery on 6-18 -09... When I went in for my presurgery appointment exactly on week prior I was 355. When they weighted me the day of surgery I was 345... Today I am 317.

Now if you ask my surgeon, I have lost 38 pounds in 4 months... because they go by the pre op weight a week before... Well I go by the weight the morning of surgery so it's only been 28 pounds in 4 months... I know I'm splitting hairs, but for all that we go through I want more then 7 pounds a month...

I also don't really feel like I know what to eat. I don't remember ever being told a specific calorie count... I am just supposed to eat 60 grams of protein... I am supposed to shoot for just 1/2 a cup of food at each meal.

Man do I sound like a ungrateful whiner writing this. Maybe I just needed to whine to some people that may know what I am feeling...

I have to confess also, that I love but don't sometimes the same questions over and over drive you crazy! And people need to lighten up... I hate when someone confesses to eating a cup cake you have people chime in and say you should call your surgeon immediately you probably made your band slip and your going to explode in 30 seconds... Jeezzzz lighten up its a fricken cup cake.

Oh and I'm tire of my hair falling out. That is sexy.

I loved the one post that said WHOPPER JR... the girl was ready to jump off a bridge... She ate a whopper jr, two cake things, chips and salsa and I think a bag of pizza rolls in 2 hours... I was so jealous! I want a hamburger... I just thought she was cute being so real... I'm surprised the bandster patrol didn't advise her to have the band removed immediately because she was no longer worthy.

Sorry for being a bitch... BUT MAN I FEEL BETTER! I will finish this last Mai Tai I am enjoying while in my pity pool and be great...

Thanks ladies for listening! You guys are the best!

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Other Half

Well now it's hubby's turn...Where do I start. First let me say he wishes he would have done the sleeve just because he thinks it would have been faster. I guess 50 pounds in four months isn't fast enough...ummmm when is the last time you lost 50 pounds HUN! That usually shuts him up.

Hubby has had the hardest time of all of us. Surgery was rough for him he went in just to get the band and came out with the band and a hernia repair. That explains the terrible heartburn/reflux he had for many years. I got the update on him as I was getting rolled in... Surgeon told me that he was fine had to do the hernia repair and the surgery was a little rough and he got jostled around pretty good... He carriers all his weight in his belly so they had to really struggle. Then I was knocked out.

I finally saw him about 11:30 pm... He was up an walking around and came into my room. It's funny how your mothering instincts kick in and I felt like I should have been up helping him even though I was out for the count...

Now it's six am and because my surgery was so late I didn't have to walk around until then... First thing I did was walk to see Eric. I could tell he was in what seemed to be more pain then me but wrote it off to men are baby's...

We were released later that day. Him first, he came to my room to wait for me to be discharged and when he walked up to my room I could tell something was wrong, but along with being babies, they are stubborn as hell and he just wanted to get home and be on the couch... Well as we were sitting there waiting he was foaming and spitting up a lot. I don't think the nurses were really paying attention and said that was normal... WELL IT'S NOT.

We went home and now my mothering really did have to kick and I had to take care of him. Luckily my son did the same the week before so he really new what we were going through and he also took care of us. As the evening progressed Eric couldn't get any pain meds or water down. He was still foaming like crazy and we just figured it was OK because the nurses said so. He tried to drink warm tea because we read that on lap band talk but that didn't work. I took some pain meds and went to bed, he said he would be fine. At about 6 am on Saturday (we had surgery on Thursday, came home Friday afternoon) I could hear him just moaning like crazy, I called the surgeon and he said go right back to the bariatric unit and they will be waiting for you.... My son drove him up and I went up later. There he stayed until Tuesday on morphine and IV fluids. His stomach had swollen shut from such a rough surgery and the extra stuff for the hernia repair... We had to wait to see if the swelling came down or they were going to have to go back in. As you can imagine, after what he was feeling now, there is no way in hell he wanted them to go back.

Here is were I talk about me and how life doesn't stop for mom's.. I had surgery on Thursday and had my last pain meds Friday afternoon. With him back in the hospital and having two little ones I had to go right back into regular mode. I had to get myself to the hospital to go see him, I had to feed and take care of the little ones and in reality my banded son was only a week out so I was still needing to take care of him (my needs really) and I was back to work on Monday. Believe me I sat on the edge of my bed Saturday and Sunday night and just cried. I wanted to sit and around and recover like everyone else gets to... I was in the pity pool, it was warm and the margarita's were flowing... I guess crying myself to sleep was the best therapy... Like my mom says "suck it up and get over it"...

ANYWAY... Hubby came home on Tuesday, no more surgery and he was going to make it. How's that for drama.

Fast forward to now... he has lost 50 pounds but even that has not been easy for him... He gets things caught constantly. He is on fill number three and I would say he get stuck more then he doesn't but he won't go in a get any taken out. He says he will live with it and it helps him lose weight faster. It drives me crazy, but it's his body and he is going to do what he wants.

Why are men so stubborn. Is admitting you might have to much saline make you a wussy or something... I guess because he is a 6'4" Norwegian guy he is supposed to handle pain... Not elective pain dummy! But like I said he is a big boy and can make his own decisions... It just helps me out in future arguments when I need an example to give him of what an idiot he is... said in a very loving way of course!

The fun part about us doing it together is we got to do our laps around the nurses stations together... we got lots of attention because we were husband and wife doing it together and the nurses remembered me from a week prior with my son... So it was nice to feel a little special... Not Jon and Kate special but just our own little special.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Golden Egg

When does a child become a grown up in the mothers eyes... I don't think they ever do personally.

My banded son is my golden egg...everyone knows it. He has a special place in my hear that will never change. He is my rock, my fellow Gemini and I don't want him to grow up EVER, but damn it he keeps growing...and I mean that literally since he's 6'4" .

I have watched him gain weight throughout the years and have felt total guilt for it. With my own bad eating habits it was hard to change and I know he was also trying to get comfort. I understand it, as I have been there. Going through a divorce and moving to a different state when you are 5 years old was tough.... We ate our sorrow away together and it just is what it is at this point. We talked about it and we both get it but you still do it and we don't judge for it. It is who we are.

When my husband and I started the process of getting band approval I extended the offer to him. I knew this would be a hard decision for him being a teenager and not really knowing what to expect... At first he said no way and of course I tried to persuade him to do it. He decided to go for it... I think he was just going along with the other two of us and didn't really think about it. As we went through the motions and got approved he did all his stuff and we had our dates scheduled... His date happened to be first and exactly one week before me and my hubby.

Let me tell you how the guilt set in once everything was a done deal... I kept telling him if you don't want to do this I wouldn't blame you and to make sure at any moment if you change your mind to just tell me and we will put the brakes on the operations... He never changed his mind and started looking forward to his new life.

I totally felt like I pressured him into the operation, what if something happened on the operating table, what if there were complications was he going to be able to live a normal teenager life all the crap that went through my head was amazing... He was so young to be doing something so life changing and I knew he really didn't research it... Just went by the things I told him.

On the flip side of that week before surgery he was 390. So he already wasn't living a normal teenage life. He was already headed for complications in his health and having been overweight most of my life, I wish I could have had an opportunity like this when I was 19 and didn't waste so much time being overweight. When your weight gets that high, it is almost impossible at that point. It is so out of control and I knew it was going to only go higher...

Well surgery day came, he breezed through the operation...I do have to tell you this... It was almost 19 years to the date from his first surgery at three weeks old and this surgery. He was born with a little hernia down in his groin area that they had to fix.... Nothing major just a little fix it thing but when you hand your three week baby over to a surgery team, that is tough and it doesn't matter how simple it is... So here we are 19 years later and I am handing my baby over to a surgery team again... Still just has hard except this time I wasn't nursing and my shirt was not soaked with breast milk by the time he came to recovery! And his dad was on stand by via cell phone and not sitting next to me. That was weird how much I wanted his dad with me. That is another story and we are now is a good place but that has taken many many years to get there.

Now the next phase of guilt comes in... Your child is wheeled into his room, he is so out of it and in pain. I am looking at this kid and realizing this pain was elective and I did this to him... I cried the whole way home that night. That was June 11th

Fast forward to today... He has lost almost 50 pounds in 4 months and couldn't be happier that he did this. Thank goodness he has a great group of friends (only one of them knows about his surgery) so he did and does have a great life at his age... He is so stoked about losing his weight, he feels great about himself, we exercise together and we are so close... We always have been and going through this together has just sealed the deal with what we can talk about which has always been ANYTHING, but it is just different now.

I guess this is just another thing the two of us have gone through together. Again, which is why he is my golden egg! And it helps that he is always making me laugh!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes (Brats)

Just had to tell you what my six year old son said:

Mom, so when is that band thing going to start working....

It's ok, he is still alive and I still love him. I only disliked him for split second.

Wanting to Binge!

It was weird this week... the whole band family was in a huge craving mode... We just wanted to eat a lot and something really good... I swear it is because of the season change and we are all actually animals and are going into hibernation mode.

So on Thursday we were going to order pizza and pig out. I ordered an extra large pepperoni and sausage and a small combo... large one for my banded son and the two other kids (they are six and eight) and the small combo for me and the hubby...

Well as much as we wanted to let go and just feed the frenzy... our little artificial body part said no. I guess it was doing it's job damn it. I was able to eat two slices of a small pizza and I was tapped out, I could have stopped at one but I was determined to get my craving satisfied... My mind set before the evening started was i was gonna eat half of that damn pizza. My son's plan was to graze on the deliciousness all evening and play his video games... Tapped out at since and also like me a little later in the evening was determined to have one more just because. Hubby was only able to eat the toppings off of two small slices and a little crust. But again remember he is the chosen one in the family having a harder time at the getting things stuck...

Remember the good old days.... Here is a typical night at Native New Yorker pre band for our family:

Large Pizza
3 Dozen Wings
Potato skins
Basket of Fries or Mozzarella Sticks
3 or 4 large beers for me and hubby each
Unlimited soda' for the kids
And then on the way home stop and pick up a desert or stop for ice cream

Now that was just dinner. On a normal day I would have had Starbucks and some sort of a pastry for breakfast... snacked on the candy dish (no big deal they were snack size!) until lunch and then maybe no lunch or something from a fast food place or a work luncheon that would have consisted of way to much food. Snacked on the candy dish until I left work... Got home knowing I was going out to dinner and would have had a couple of beers to get primed to go have a couple of beers and probably a slice of cheese or two or some chips or pretzels, god forbid if I had something to drink with out food to do go with it.... And then off to dinner.

And then I wonder how I hit a top weight of 387 in January 09. It absolutely amazes me how much food a body can actually consume. And I was teaching these patterns to my children.. My banded son obviously at 19 had already picked up these terrible habits... I still have hope for the two little ones... Other then the obvious reasons for wanting to lose weight, those two were a lot of me reason for getting banded. At 43 years old and 387 I wanted to be around long enough to see them grow old. At the rate I was going that wasn't going to happen...

ps... my son drives when we are out to dinner drinking so please don't think we drink and drive with the kids in the car!

Friday, October 16, 2009

What a trip

Well... Here I am. I have never blogged before but I feel like I have a lot to say about my (our) experience as a family banded... I was banded on June 18, the same day that my husband was. My son was banded on June 11... We sent him in first! Just kidding. It has been a trippy experience to say the least. All of the emotion, trial and error and just not really knowing what to expect or the correct way to do this hole band thing...

Thus far I would say we are doing pretty good. The guys have lost somewhere in the 40's and I am in the 30's so I can't complain.. Eating can sometimes be hard especially for my husband, he seems to have the most problems out of all of us. Get's stuck a lot but he also ended up back in the hospital hours after he came home from surgery for an additional 4 days because he swelled shut. He is convinced the best diet ever is morphine and IV fluids... sounds fun to me! So I think he will have a harder time then my son and myself since he has had problems from the beginning...

My son went into his experience pushing the limits from day four post op... he always tried to see how much he can get away with. I think that is something a 19 year old boy would do anyway... But after a month or two he got serious and is doing great. He is also close to his sweet spot, he wants to eat more but his band reminds him at each meal he cant... so success.

Me... I think I don't give myself enough credit... I keep thinking that I should be thinner then I am. I guess I have the mindset of gastric bypass and how they are down 100 pounds in a week. But that is OK... my mind will catch up with my progress sooner or later. For now I will just keep on trucking.

More to follow as I get more courage to express myself completely....

Danise :)